If I do get engaged, It won't be after 1 month.

I had a few free days so I took a trip up to Silverdale. It was great! I got caught up on all the latest news with my friends up there. My old ward had three engagements last weekend. It was sort of a circus. I didn't know all of the engaged girls, but I knew a few of the guys involved. Relief Society was all a flutter, diamonds were flashed and congratulations given. Then when things had calmed down I heard through the whispers that One couple got engaged after a few weeks, another after a month, and so on.

It made me wonder what the acceptable standard of time was for a proposal. Taking the classes I am right now we talk alot about factors the influence divorce and marital contentment. We definitely talk about how important it is to know the person well. To have seen them in several situations, seen all their moods, have been in a couple real meaty fights and such..... but the time is measured in LDS culture also by the law of chastity and the importance of waiting til marriage for sexual relations. I think anyone whose in a new fun relationship will mention the physical tension that can also, and usually is present.

So how does an LDS couple date long enough to make a good decision regarding a marriage partner, but not circumvent that process with physical tension?

I say you all just got to stinkin' calm down!

It's part of that wonderful process of putting off the natural man. Yes it is our job to procreate, but only under the very best of circumstances. Those circumstances are a committed relationship, one that won't falter when things are tough, won't blame, won't manipulate, and abandon. Spending one month with someone tells me that you know about 2% about the person. You know even less about their families, and most likely you are assuming that they carry their values the same way as you. This happens a lot in the church because we figure "they were raised just like me." Now I don't want to be scare anyone here, because a strong faith in Christ is going to take you to a lot of great places, but there's more when it comes to the dating process.

I dated a great guy who was raised in the church, but his family seemed so different than mine when it came to their take on the gospel, that for a very long time I really questioned his testimony. I think it's rarely acceptable to question the strength of someones testimony--except if you are dating them. If you don't question their strength in the church I would worry that you have not much of a testimony yourself. (Testimonies should be protected and valued).

I should add this same boy felt that a 2 year dating period should be our minimum. I wigged out at about 6 months.

Now a lot of people will obviously pray about a marriage decision. Excellent I say!!! But why are you praying about a marriage decision after a few weeks? The Lord told Oliver Cowdery to "study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."

Now I will obviously not go against this scripture--I'm all about it...but if you are asking the Lord about marriage after a few weeks what is it exactly that you have studied out thus far? You met an attractive man or woman and you have been on some dates, talked every night on the phone...and now what? What have you studied besides some comely curves and your racing heartbeat?

I don't want you to think I'm immune here...I've thought I was going to marry every boy I ever dated, but in about 80% of the cases thank goodness I didn't. The circumstances of some of those relationships would have been fallible, let alone destructive to children. I mean isn't that the reason we make this good choice, for the sake of our future children? I mean you make the choice for yourself too---but people don't seem to want to do the hard work for themselves, at least do it for your future family.

I want to put a few questions out there:

1. Are you better people when you are together?
2. Does either of you want to date anyone else?
3. Do you TRULY enjoy each others company?
4. Do you feel better about yourself with them? (say..Like a Child of God)
5. Are his or her needs as important to you as your own?
6. Are you free to be yourself, or are you always on guard?
7. Are you prepared to marry the family of your prospective mate?
8. How do you each treat your own parents?
9. How does each of you feel about the other being a parent of your child?
10. Do each of you accept the patriarchal order?
11. What will your destiny together be?

The last two are specific to the LDS church (so if those don't make sense..no biggie).

I like these questions because their not specific about "how do you handle finances as a couple" or "How many kids do you want". They're questions about quality and depth of relationship. Now you don't have to know all the answers but you FOR SURE need to discuss such things. Just the quality of discussion will teach you so much about another person. What if the guy doesn't want to answer a question? That would be Weird--and I would find it concerning. What if you don't agree on something? Some couples are trying real hard to stay in what therapists call a honeymoon stage, where they don't want to address conflicts or things that bother them, because if they do it might weaken their perfect image of their relationship. Well...ok....but how long are you going to keep that up--cause I guarantee if you're not sharing you'll be divorcing.

Ok I've babbled long enough, but I take marriage seriously (probably why I'm not there yet! Ha!) and I think others should too. If you work with incomplete families the way I do, you're aware of the ramifications of the perdictament.